Inner Compass – Shalini Sareen – Life & Executive Coach

There’s a huge connection between the bonding that parents create with children and the deep connect that a child forms with his or her parents. The question then arises as to how to create this bond? The entire time of the parents, in today’s world, gets exhausted in providing a roof, food on the table and education apart from the other privileges that the child enjoys. Sadly, none of these activities by themselves, no matter how much you invest in the child, helps forge a bond between the child and the parents.

I remember my childhood which was undoubtedly the golden era of my life. The love, joy and pride that my parents felt having me around filled me back with the love and joy of living. My parents deep seated contentment with life made me feel the grace. I don’t remember money issues ever being discussed between them and somehow what we had was always enough. Their loving relationship with my grandparents and the extended family in turn made me feel secured. I am sure they had their issues but they never seemed to have affected them. My parents believed in me, took pride in my achievements and that in turn filled me up with self belief. I remember my grandparents sharing the stories of their struggle and success, which instilled in me a feeling of pride. My Grandfather’s constant reminders that his birthday is his family’s birthday; my grandmother’s care and involvement behind the gifts that she brought me every time she visited; the festivals, celebrations and summer holidays that brought security, comfort, endless joy and a feeling of always looking forward to something. This environment at home until the age of 7 years developed an appreciation in my subconscious mind for a loving, caring, appreciative, positive and nurturing environment. Children’s brain waves are in Delta from ages 0-2, from age 2-6 in Theta and 6+ year old, in Alpha state. The first 6 years of every child is essentially spent in the subconscious state, focused on their inner world. What children observe in the first 6-7 years gets downloaded in their subconscious mind and gets replayed throughout their adult life. This period between 0-7 years of age forms the foundation of parental bonding. Its only post 7 years that the brain waves move to Beta, which triggers the neocortex and marks the onset of the analytical or the conscious mind. Small incidents in my childhood with regards to my father, which my analytical mind later on understood as his values and principles always kept me in awe of him and my mothers love, boldness and sacrifices is what made home, a safe, sacred and a beautiful place, for me. Their true appreciation and regards for each other in turn instilled in me, a deep appreciation of the beauty of love and relationships.

As I grew up, and went to North America for my higher education, I remember if I liked a particular set of decor, I would buy it for my parents home back in India. If there was some new cuisine I liked I would ensure that I share the same with my parents as well. If there was a fancy library or a laundry room, that I admired, I would ensure that we have one back at home. What’s important is that my parents trusted me and welcomed these additions, never once dismissing my ideas or sticking to their way of doing things. Back at home, if my best friends birthday came up, my parents would visit and wish her. My Dad would be in touch with my teachers and principal and send me updates. That’s how our bond and a deep connect grew and established. The distance did not matter and the love, pride and sharing continued from both ends. One look in my mom’s eyes and I would get the entire picture of what she has gone through. The sound of my voice told my dad how my day went. The way my dad called out my name told me what is about to come. We were never bored of each other and felt immense joy and contentment with each other.

The lessons to learn, in my opinion, for our generation and for the next generations is that parenting begins even before the child is even born. It’s not just genetics at play but epigenetics. The relationship between parents and outside influences determines the traits and attributes of the child. This is the reason why the vedic tradition advocated Garbhasanskar and the implications go beyond the rituals. A loving relationship between the parents to be, a contented life and presence of grace, relationship network of the parents, the peace and joy with which the parents go about discharging their responsibilities, presence of simplicity, love and affection in the parents life, the values and principles that the parents adhere to, all go a long way in forming a parent and child bond.

Do reflect on what true riches you can give to the child before you decide to become a parent. We all want good and smart kids but how many of us reflect on what we can give as a parent other than providing a roof, food, education and other perks. This is by no means an easy task and requires the ability of the parents to not only get along with each other but also with each other’s parents, as well. Petty mindsets, manipulations, dominating behavior and relationship politics between parents are spoil alerts and do not work in the long run. Especially, in today’s world, and going forward, when relationships are far more complex and love is hard to sustain, with innumerable dynamics at play, you and your partner need to truly reflect on your potential to parent, before you decide to become one.

It is important to remind ourselves that parenting is not a birth right and like everything else, parenting is a privilege that can be genuinely enjoyed only when you have been able to establish a strong bond with your children, which is nurtured when we commit to provide each family member, including extended family, with a sense of peace, love, joy, regards, self worth and security within this place, called home.