For most of us, the idea of resilience conjures up stories of profound heroism in the face of grave injustice — Viktor Frankl surviving the concentration camps or Mahatma Gandhi salt marching in face of British oppression.
But resilience isn’t always epic. Sometimes it’s quite ordinary and it can simply reflect while taking in criticism well from our spouse instead of getting defensive, processing grief in a healthy way instead of running to escape it or in just giving that speech despite feeling anxious.
Research shows that highly resilient people tend to possess three common traits or habits: acceptance, purpose, and flexibility. Importantly, we know that these are not simply genetic gifts some lucky few are born with — they’re skills all of us can learn to build:
1. Acceptance
Resilience does not mean optimism.
Highly resilient people are clear-eyed about the nature of the challenges they face — neither overly optimistic or pessimistic. This acceptance of the way things really are allows them to be more effective at designing strategies to navigate their challenges productively.
For example: suppose you’ve just given a presentation to your boss at work. You believe strongly that your idea is a good one, and you feel like the presentation itself went fairly well. But to your shock, the first words out of your boss’ mouth are to criticize a key component of your idea. You feel the hurt and anger quickly rising up. You could continue down this path of defensiveness that your mind has started you on. And while you feel justified in this, you suspect that the end result may not be so good — your boss could scrap the idea entirely. On the other hand, you can acknowledge feeling hurt but try to better understand what your boss’ criticism is getting at and whether, in the long run, it could lead to an even better idea.
While it’s natural to feel angry and upset in response to criticism — and to interpret that criticism as unfair — this default response is not always in line with reality. Did your boss literally do something wrong by pointing out what she saw as a weakness in your idea? Is she actually always negative? Does she really not know what she’s talking about? A more realistic assessment of things might be: ‘She was a little blunt with her criticism — which hurt — but that’s not a bad point.’ Or ‘True, she doesn’t have as much technical expertise in this area as I do, but an outsider’s perspective could be really helpful.’
Getting in the habit of checking your initial interpretations of things, and then aligning your thoughts more closely with reality. Not only will you feel better in the moment, but you’ll be far more effective in moving forward.
Purpose
Purpose doesn’t have to be something grandiose or spiritual.
Having a sense of purpose can simply mean that you have positive things in your life that you are excited about, curious about, look forward to, and that you consider valuable. The more of these intrinsic values we have, the stronger our sense of purpose and therefore the more motivation we have to persevere through difficulties. When you’re clear about your values and purpose, you’ll never lack for motivation and strength. To find the strength to persevere, start by exploring and clarifying your values — the things that matter most to you. “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” – Pablo Picasso
3. Flexibility
Resilient people have an uncanny ability to be flexible when circumstances change. Rather than becoming paralyzed or resorting to wishing and complaining that things were different, they set about to change the one thing they actually have control over — themselves. Put another way, resilient people have a knack for being creative and inventive in the face of stress. This allows them to adapt to their difficulties rather than crumble. When things are tough, try experimenting with your thinking. Test out new lines of thought. Modify your initial assumptions and beliefs. Be flexible and watch as solutions open up.
To sum up, resilient people are intrinsically motivated by their values and purpose, accept other people point of view, adapt and look at creative ways to meet their goals rather than stick to a rigid way of looking and doing things.